THE CHRONICLES
OF ALSTON MOOR

Ben has declared himself the arbiter of all legal matters in Alston Moor. Despite having no legal background, he's convinced that almost everything happening in the community is "illegal", "corrupt", or "criminal".

His favourite pastime is reporting hardworking volunteers to any authority that will listen (and many that won't).

📚 Pseudo-legal obsession! Ben carries around printouts from random legal websites and speaks in mangled legalese. He constantly threatens "citizen's arrests" and claims to know about "Section 4.2 of the Community Enhancement Act" (which doesn't exist).

🕵️ Delusional detective! Ben believes he's uncovering massive conspiracies in every community project. He takes blurry photos as "evidence," creates wall timelines, and refers to volunteers as "suspects."

🏠 Newcomer with authority complex! Despite only moving to Alston Moor a couple of years ago, Ben acts like the community's appointed guardian. He lectures actual locals about "how things should be done."

🎓 Universal expert syndrome! Ben genuinely believes he's an expert at everything - IT, HR, business management, you name it. He offers unsolicited advice on computer problems while using Internet Explorer.

📝 The complaint machine! Ben doesn't just complain verbally - he's created an entire administrative empire of grievances. His home office is covered with filing systems, complaint templates, and carbon copies.

📨 Professional correspondent! Ben writes complaint letters like other people write shopping lists - constantly and with great enthusiasm. His letters follow a strict format with at least three mentions of illegality.

Gill runs her Facebook group with an iron fist. Disagreement is not tolerated, and the ban button is her weapon of choice.

She's written angry complaints about every institution in town, from schools to doctors to local businesses. If it exists in Alston Moor, Gill has a problem with it.

🏃‍♀️ Always first to complain! Gill has developed an uncanny ability to be outraged by something before anyone else even notices it exists. Her speed-complaining record is 47 seconds from noticing to posting.

🎯 Truth is optional! Facts are merely suggestions in Gill's world. She never lets reality get in the way of a perfectly good moan - if the truth doesn't support her complaint, she'll create her own version.

🏆 Self-proclaimed "True Local"! Gill refers to herself as a "True Local" in every other sentence and has no time for anyone who hasn't lived in Alston Moor for at least three generations.

📱 Digital dictator! Gill's Facebook group has more rules than most countries and she enforces them with the ruthlessness of a medieval tyrant. Her ban finger is faster than her brain.

💨 Speed typing warrior! Gill can craft a 500-word complaint faster than most people can write a shopping list. Her keyboard skills are legendary, fueled by pure righteous indignation and caffeine.

🔍 Problem detector extraordinaire! Gill has an almost supernatural ability to spot issues that don't exist. She can turn a perfectly innocent community project into a scandal with just three Facebook posts.

Bill is Gill's husband and eternal sidekick. Whatever complaint Gill has, Bill is right there to back her up with his imposing physical presence and dramatic gestures.

Though he rarely initiates the drama, he's always ready to pile on with additional scowls, theatrical pointing, and physical demonstrations of perceived violations.

💪 The muscle of the operation! Bill doesn't write emails or make phone calls - that's not his style. Instead, he provides the physical intimidation when Gill and Ben need backup during confrontations.

🔨 Practical but misdirected! As a hands-on man, Bill actually knows how to fix things and build stuff - which makes it frustrating when he uses these skills to support ridiculous complaints.

🤝 Loyal enabler! Bill genuinely believes he's being a supportive husband by physically backing up Gill's every complaint. While she handles the words, he handles the dramatic gestures and pointing.

🐕 Dog walker by default! When Gill gets really deep into her keyboard warrior sessions, someone has to walk the dog. That someone is always Bill, who's perfected the art of the resigned sigh.

📏 Measuring maniac! Bill carries a full toolkit everywhere, dramatically whipping out his tape measure at the slightest provocation. His specialty is stomping around fountains while making exaggerated measuring gestures.

🎭 Drama support specialist! During arguments, Bill performs an intricate dance of pointing, gasping, and head-shaking so vigorously his hat once flew into the fountain. His motto: "If Gill says it's wrong, I'll point at it!"

This small fluffy dog is the unwitting companion to The Nit Picky Moanarchs, dragged along on their complaint campaigns across Alston Moor.

The most reasonable member of the group, the dog would much rather be chasing sticks than watching humans argue about fountain colours. Often seen looking longingly at other dogs having fun while being forced to stand still during yet another heated argument about community improvements, the dog has mastered the art of the resigned canine sigh.

These dedicated community members spend their free time improving Alston Moor through various projects, from fountain restoration to organising local events.

Despite constant criticism and false reporting from Ben, Gill, and Bill, they persevere with good humour and community spirit. They've developed an impressive ability to continue their work while completely ignoring dramatic arm-waving and angry clipboard-brandishing happening nearby, often responding to complaints with cheerful waves and offers of tea.

Local police, council officials, and other authority figures who have received countless complaints and reports from The Nit Picky Moanarchs.

They've learned to recognise Ben's distinctive handwriting (which gets progressively more illegible with anger), his official letterhead, and his habit of numbering complaints sequentially. The council has a special filing cabinet just for Ben's correspondence, and the police have developed a Ben-specific response template to save time.

Jim is a professional restorer and colour expert who saw the argument on Gill's Facebook group and decided to help settle the great fountain colour debate once and for all.

Armed with historical documents, paint samples, and decades of experience, he conclusively proved the fountain was originally green - much to Ben and Gill's dismay.

The local policeman has grown weary of the constant stream of complaints and reports from The Nit Picky Moanarchs, especially Gill who seems to find fault with every neighbour, tourist, and visitor.

His desk is permanently buried under paperwork from their frivolous reports, and he's developed an impressive eye-roll whenever he sees their names on his incident log. Despite their efforts to create drama, he maintains his professional composure - barely.

This motorcyclist came to explore the beautiful North Pennines but made the mistake of joining Gill's Facebook group and questioning her complaints about tourism.

After calling her a "fruit loop" for her anti-tourist rants, he was immediately banned from the group. Now he warns other visitors that this lovely area unfortunately has some very unwelcoming locals who prefer drama over hospitality.